The Tale of Two Bored Authoresses
by Blue Autumn Sky
Summary: Two bored Authoresses go inside Pirates of The Caribbean and have fun with Captain Jack Sparrow and the others. Those with no sense of humor beware.
1. Welcome to the Black Pearl

AUTHOR E'S NOTES: Hi, Elizabeth, a.k.a. Author E, a.a.k.a Blue Autumn Sky. Me and my friend Author A, a.k.a. Angie, a.a.k.a. Dada-grl decided to write this story, since we were B-O-R-E-D. Oh, for the record. My actual name is Elizabeth, that's not a joke. I know it'll probably be confusing what with Elizabeth Swann/Turner, but bear with me here. It might come in handy for later hint hint.

AUTHOR A'S NOTES: Hi readers, I am Angie, a.k.a Author A, a.k.a, Dada-grl. Well as most know it's summer now, and I had expected it to be fun.... but I was wrong, so we decided to write this. I hope you enjoy the story!

* * *

" Man, I'm bored " Blue Autumn Sky (A.K.A: Elizabeth Rehbein) whined  
  
" Dang, it's summer " Dada-grl (A.K.A: Angela Tardy) groaned, " You'd think there'd be _something_ we could do "  
  
" I know what you mean " Elizabeth grumbled. Suddenly she popped up, " I've got an idea "  
  
" Umm, ok. What is it? " Angie asked casually.  
  
" Let's go pirate hunting " Elizabeth said happily.  
  
Angie stared at her for a second, "Umm, but..we can't do that "  
  
" Sure we can " Elizabeth said, " We're the authoresses, we can do anything "  
  
" Thats true " Angie nodded, " Sounds good to me "  
  
" I call dibs on Jack Sparrow " Elizabeth said, " You can have Will Turner "  
  
" For sure " Angie said. She liked Orlando Bloom, and therefor liked Will Turner, " But, how do we get there? "  
  
" Good point " Elizabeth replied.  
  
The two sat down and thought deeply. They had both been on Fanfiction.net and read stories about modern girls going into Pirates Of The Carribbean. In almost all the cases they would get knocked out painfully and wake up there. Of course, none of those girls had ever been the authoresses.  
  
" Hey wait a sec " Elizabeth said, " We're the Authoresses, can't we just rip open a portal in time and go inside? "  
  
" Yeah we could " Angie said, " Sounds good to me "  
  
" Ok then, but you're gonna have to rip it open " Elizabeth said, " I chew my nails. Yours are nice and long "  
  
" Ok " Angie held up her hand and slashed her sharp nails through the air in front of her. With a flash, a portal appeared right next to Angie. Both girls stared at the rip in the time/space continium. Authoresses or not, they were speechless.  
  
" We'd better get going " Elizabeth said, still staring at the fizzing portal, " You first "  
  
" No way, you first " Angie snapped.  
  
" Ok, we'll go together " Elizabeth grabbed Angie's hand, " Why don't you count? "  
  
" Ok, ready, set, let's get jumping " Angie yelled.   
  
Both girls made a large leap into the portal. They instantly felt a strong tug pull them down into an infinant spiraling abyss. As they were sucked into the mighty current of the plot hole, all went black for the two authoresses.   
  
MEANWHILE IN THE CARRIBBEAN  
  
In the middle of the ocean stood a mighty pirate ship, with rare black oak, and towering black sails. By the wheel was a very drunk Captain. He stood there, steering his ship, and singing a really bad tune.   
  
" Yo, ho, yo, ho, pirates life for me " The pirate sang rather loudly, " We pillage and plunder..."  
  
Suddenly a flash of white light appeared behind the very drunk, and very annoying captain. Two girls slowly stepped out from the mysterious light, and then it disappeared. Had the captain not been so darn drunk, he would've noticed this. Unfortuantly, the captain doesn't notice either of them until they...  
  
" AND REALLY BAD EGGS! " They scream/sing in unison.  
  
This the Captain noticed, and he blindly turned around gasping. At the sight of the strange girls suddenly there, he coudn't help but gap in surprise.  
  
" Finally you idiot " Angie grumbled.  
  
" Hey, what a sec, it's Jack Sparrow! " Elizabeth exclaimed.  
  
" _Captain _Jack Sparrow " He said out of habit.  
  
" You know, you look just as drunk, and cute, as you do on TV " Angie mentions.  
  
" Why, thank you " Jack said, " Hey, wait a sec! " He said, purposly repeating Elizabeth's catchy line, " What are ye doing onboard me ship "  
  
" My aren't you the bright one " Elizabeth said sarcastically.  
  
" And I thought I was the idiot " Angie added.  
  
" Are ye, or ye not going to answer my question " Jack said dangerously, patting the pistol that hung on his belt.  
  
" Oh, please. Put that thing away or somebody _will _get hurt " Angie said, unimpressed.  
  
She snapped her fingers and the pistol instantly turned into a rattlesnake. Jack didn't notice until the snake hissed and rattled it's tail. Surprised by this, Jack quickly pulled it out of his belt and threw the rattlesnake overboard, squealing the whole time.  
  
" Hey! " Elizabeth exclaimed, " You can't do that, you'll hurt the poor snake. I'm reporting you to the ASPCA"  
  
" Who are you!? " Jack freaked out.  
  
" We're the authoresses " Elizabeth and Angie said in unison.  
  
" Who the bloody hell are the authoresses? " Said Jack, a little tongue twisted, since it was hard to say authoresses.  
  
" Why Jack " Elizabeth said, seemily hurt, " You mean to say that you've never heard of the all powerful authors? "  
  
" I've already told you, no " Jack said, obsiously getting annoyed.  
  
" Well, we're the ones who write this story " Angie piped in.  
  
Jack stared at Angie like she had a screw loose or something. And Angie looked like she was ready to pound Jack. All Elizabeth could think about was how stupid Jack really was. She figured she'd better explain to him in terms even he could understand.  
  
" Have you heard of god? " Elizabeth asked him.  
  
" That depends " Jack said, " Which one are you talking about? "  
  
" Uhh..." Elizabeth stammered, "Yeah, anyway, just think of us as god "  
  
Now, being told that two kooky girls were god was too much for Jack to take. He instantly bursted into maniacal laughter. He sprawled down onto the floor, kicking his feet and laughing uncontrollably. This greatly annoyed the two girls, who were, by the way, the all powerful authoresses.   
  
" Oh yeah " Angie challenged, " Explain your pistol turning into a snake "  
  
Unfortuantly Jack couldn't even stop laughing to answer them. He just laughed even harder, and pounded his fist against the deck. Sighing, Elizabeth snapped her fingers and instantly a gag appeared in Jack's mouth. This surprise caused him to immediatly stop laughing. He stared at the gag and at Elizabeth, horror stricken. With that taken care of, Elizabeth snappd her fingers once again and the gag disappeared.   
  
" I said explain the snake in your belt " Angie repeated.  
  
" Coincidence " Jack said, still dazed by the gag trick.  
  
" Oh yeah sure " Elizabeth said, " Coincidence that a poisonious snake native only to the deserts of North America, while we're in the middle of the ocean in the Carribbean, suddenly appeared in your belt where your gun should be "  
  
" It's been known to happen " Jack shrugged.  
  
CoughCoughCrackheadCoughCough   
  
Elizabeth grinned at Angie, holding back a smirk. This caused Angie to almost grin as well. Both girls tried to supress their laughs while Jack stared at them. He apparently didn't hear Angie's little 'coughing fit'.  
  
" If you're really the authoresses, then can you whip up some rum? " Jack asked.  
  
Both girls stared at each other. Seeing no harm in snapping up some rum, they shrugged their shoulders to each other. They nodded at Jack and Angie snapped her fingers. Right in front of Jack a large bottle of rum appeared, floating in the air.   
  
" Ahh, my one true love " Jack said.  
  
" Ooookkaay " Elizabeth said. She took one large step away from Jack Sparrow  
  
" Dude, that's just wrong " Angie said.  
  
Jack ignored the two and quickly grabbed the rum. As soon as Jack grabbed the bottle though, Elizabeth snapped her fingers and the rum bottle turned into a fat, squealing piglet; with foam coming out of it's mouth. Jack screamed like a girl and quickly threw the rabid pig overboard, just like the snake from before.  
  
" Hey! " Elizabeth screeched, " Forget the ASPCA! I'm calling Animal Precinct! "  
  
" You really are the authors! " Jack freaked again.  
  
" Duh " Angie said.  
  
" Whadaya want? " Jack said.  
  
" We're here to have some quality time with our favorite pirate captain " Elizabeth said enthusiastically.  
  
" That's _your_ favorite pirate captain " Angie said to Elizabeth.  
  
CoughCoughLoserCoughCough  
  
" Well, ok, _my_ favorite pirate captain. She likes Will Turner. But we're both here to have some fun with you " Elizabeth said.  
  
Jack whimpered.


	2. Jack the Sparrow

AUTHOR A'S NOTES: Angie here, well glad every one has liked the story so far. Oh yeah, dada-grl is actually on fan fiction.net. Well, this story indeed is making my summer a bit more fun!  
  
AUTHOR E'S NOTES: Just to reimind you dada-grl is logged on here, and she has some good stories she'd love for you guys to read and review. She helped me with this story so if you like this one, then you know her stories have to be good. Now, here's the next chapter...

* * *

" Can I drive? "  
  
" No "  
  
" Can I drive? "  
  
" No "  
  
" Can I drive? "  
  
" No " [Twitches]  
  
" Can I drive? "  
  
" No " [TwitchesShakes]  
  
" Can I drive? "  
  
" No! " [TwitchesShakesCringes]  
  
" Please, can I drive the pretty boat? "  
  
" No!!" Jack screamed, " And it's a ship! " Jack jumped up and down in fury, " No, you can not drive my ship! No! No! No! NO!!!! " He rolled onto the floor and screamed blindly.  
  
" Wow " Angie said, " So that's what a nervous breakdown looks like "  
  
" I'm going to ask one more time " Elizabeth said dangerously, " Can I drive the ship? "  
  
" No!...My ship! " Jack said while stroking the wheel.  
  
" Alright then " Elizabeth said, " Have it your way "  
  
She snapped her fingers, and instantly Jack is crammed inside an obviously uncomfortable parrot cage. The cage, with Jack in it, mysteriously floats in mid-air at head level next to Elizabeth.  
  
" Polly wanna cracker? " Angie asked him.  
  
" Get me out of here! " Jack screamed, " And I'm not a parrot! "  
  
" I'm sorry " Angie said, " Sparrow wanna cracker? "  
  
" You get me out of here and get off my ship! " Jack shouted.  
  
" No...MY ship now " Elizabeth said slyly. She snapped her fingers and Jack's wardrobe disappeared, being replaced by a dirty white shirt and ripped up navy blue pants. Elizabeth snapped her fingers again and her blue jeans and green T-shirt was replaced by a full captain's outfit; a white shirt, black pants, leather boots, a red sash for a belt, with a fancy sword, a musket, along with a long blood red jacket that went past her knees, a blue bandana that held up her hair, and Jack's captain hat.  
  
" Let me out of here you crazy wench! " Jack screamed while banging at the bars.  
  
" Thats _Captain_ wench to you sir " Elizabeth said, " Isn't that right, first mate Angie? "  
  
" Yeah " Angie clapped her hands.  
  
" But...but, I'm the captain " Jack whined.  
  
" Not anymore " Elizabeth said, " Now you're our new slave boy "  
  
" Oh bloody hell no! " Jack shouted.  
  
" Oh bloody hell yes! " Elizabeth replied, " And just think, you'll be able to get out of the bird cage "  
  
" Alright then " Jack groaned, " Just get me out of here "  
  
Elizabeth snapped her fingers and the bird cage disappeared. Jack tried to run forward, but fell flat on his face. He looked behind and saw to his horror that his foot was shackled in chains, with a heavy iron ball on the other end.  
  
" No!!!!!! " Jack shouted to the sky, " Curse you authors! "  
  
" Umm... we're right next to you " Elizabeth said.  
  
" Yeah, duh " Angie added, " God, pirate captains... oh, I'm sorry, slave boys are such idiots "  
  
" What were your names? " Jack asked calmly.  
  
" I'm Elizabeth, and that's Angie " Elizabeth said.  
  
" Alright, I hate you Elizabeth and Angie " Jack replied.  
  
" Hate is such a strong word " Angie said.  
  
" But we like you anyway " Elizabeth finished.  
  
" I _still_ hate you " Jack grumbled.  
  
" Oh talk, talk, talk " Elizabeth said, " Now go get us some cocktails "  
  
" No way you bloody wenches " Jack said.  
  
Elizabeth snapped her fingers, and two cocktail drinks land in Jacks hands, and by some force beyond Jacks comprehension, he finds himself being pulled towards Elizabeth and Angie.  
  
"Thanks" The girls say as they grab the cocktails.   
  
Both girls took a sip and instantly spit it back out. Elizabeth hacked at the nasty taste, while Angie leaned over the side of the ship and puked.  
  
" This has alcohol in it! " Angie said, " Are you (puke) trying to (barf) kill me! "  
  
" We're only 13! " Elizabeth screamed.  
  
" Honestly man " Angie said, wiping her face.  
  
" Now, go back and get us some virgin cocktails! " Elizabeth said.  
  
" But...but.." Jack stammered, " But you're the ones who snapped it up "  
  
" Honestly Jack " Elizabeth said, " Do you think that you... "   
  
Suddenly Elizabeth started growing larger, and a huge thunderstorm appeared.  
  
" Can mess with the all mighty powers of GOD!!!!! " Elizabeth shouted through the sound of thunder.  
  
" Ooops " She said, and began shrinking back to normal size, " I mean the author "  
  
" Dang! That was like in that movie I saw back when I was ten! I mean that was _just_ like in the movie! Oh!!! That was soo cool!" Angie said, now feeling much better.  
  
" Ok, ok, ok ! " Jack said, " I'll get ye your virgins, just stop talking! "   
  
Jack then ran off below deck to get the virgin cocktails, as it was apparent that they weren't going to snap them up this time. It took him a long time, since he was chained to a cannon ball. It was a good fifteen minutes before he got to the bottom stair.  
  
" Oo, ow, oh " Jack's voice could be heard below deck, " Quit falling on me! "   
  
" I'm bored " Angie said, " What do we do now "  
  
" I've got an idea " Elizabeth whispers in Angie's ear her plan.  
  
" Oooh, I like it " Angie said.  
  
By that time Jack Sparrow returned with the virgin cocktails. He quickly gave the girls their drinks, panting the whole time. After sniffing their drinks to make sure it wasn't poison, the two girls drank their cocktails hardily.   
  
" Alrighty then " Elizabeth said after she finished her virgin cocktail, " I hope you've learned your lesson now, _Captain _Jack Sparrow "  
  
Elizabeth snapped her fingers and Jack was back in his captain oufit and the chain and cannon ball disappeared from his leg. She snapped her fingers again and she was back in her blue jeans and T-shirt.  
  
" Remember Capt'n, the next time the all powerful authoress asks if they can drive the boat, you'd better let them " Elizabeth said.  
  
Both girls snapped their fingers and in an instant they disappeared into an oblivian. Jack gave a sigh of relief and started to walk away. Suddenly a white light appeared right in front of the captain. He stopped in mid-air.  
  
" Oh no " He groaned, " Not again "  
  
" We're back! " Angie said enthusiastically.  
  
" Can I drive? " Elizabeth asked.  
  
" Oh bloody hell I've already told no! " Jack said.  
  
" Alright " Elizabeth said, " Your funeral "  
  
She winked at Angie. 


	3. That Godforsaken Spit of Land Island

Author E's Notes: Hey, we're back! And we brought chapter 3 with us. Yeah!

Author A: Hey, well I am a bit disappointed no one actually reveiwed my stories, so I shall start again. Hope you guys can review them, REMEMBER dada-grl is me.

* * *

" You can't do this to me! I'm the captain! " Jack screamed.  
  
After Jack's outburst about who was going to drive the ship, Elizabeth and Angie snapped the Black Pearl on the coast of 'That Godforsaken Spit of Land' Island. Once there, Elizabeth kicked Jack Sparrow off the Pearl and onto the shore, literally.   
  
" You should've let us drive! " Angie said.  
  
" We thought you were a changed man! " Elizabeth yelled while taking her dad's golfing shoes (a.k.a. The Boot) off.  
  
" See ya! " Angie waved, " Don't wanna be ya! "  
  
To Jack's horror, he realized that the two girls were driving away with his ship, " Come back with my Pearl! "  
  
" Just get an oyster and you'll find another one! " Elizabeth shouted from the wheel.  
  
Jack looked at him with his mouth agap, " You crazy wenches, come back! "   
  
But the Black Pearl didn't stop. It continued going until it was nothing more than a shadow in the horizon.  
  
" No!! " Jack bellowed, making sure the echo stayed for a while, since it would be better company than the palm trees.  
  
2 HOURS LATER ON THE BLACK PEARL  
  
" I miss Jack " Elizabeth said.  
  
" Yeah me too " Angie replied, " I miss his annoying voice "  
  
" I miss messing with his mind " Elizabeth told her.  
  
" Yeah, I miss fooling around with him " Angie said.  
  
" I've got a craving to snap up something " Elizabeth said, " Have you got it too? "  
  
" Yeah " Angie sighed, " Maybe I should snap up a smoothie or something "  
  
Feeling the 'snapping itch' Angie whipped up two smoothies for themselves. Elizabeth took one and sipped it. Once they were done with their first ones, Angie snapped up another batch. After about three more smoothies, Elizabeth finally said something.  
  
" This isn't much fun without Jack to torture " She said.  
  
" I miss Jack! " Angie bursted into tears, " I can't believe I just said that " She said, immediatly back to normal.  
  
" Are you feeling ok? " Elizabeth asked.  
  
" Yeah, I just wish we could go torture Jack some more " Angie said.  
  
" Are you thinking what I'm thinking? " Elizabeth grinned.  
  
" I sure am " Angie grinned even wider.  
  
BACK ON 'THAT GODFORSAKEN SPIT OF LAND' ISLAND  
  
" And so...that's how I got THIS scar " Jack pointed at a ragged scar on his arm.  
  
Jack sat on the beach of the island he was once more govenor of. Since his echo wasn't much company, and didn't even stay long, Jack went and made a new friend, Wilson the Coconut. Wilson sat quietly across from Jack on the beach and listened to him tell tales of his adventures. AND his scars.  
  
" Now let me tell you how I got these bullet holes down here " Jack said, pulling down the collar of his shirt down.   
  
He started to tell the story to Wilson, when an all too familar white light suddenly appeared between the two. Jack pulled himself away and watched as two figures came out of the light.   
  
" Why hello Jack " Angie said.  
  
" Oh no! What are you doing here! " Jack exclaimed.  
  
" Hey look! " Elizabeth said, ignoring Jack, " It's a coconut "  
  
" You leave him alone! " Jack exclaimed.  
  
Elizabeth ignored Jack some more. She picked up Wilson and smashed him against a rock, splitting him into two.  
  
" No!!" Jack shouted.  
  
" Here you go " Elizabeth, still ignoring Jack, gave Angie half of Wilson. The two sipped the sweet, fresh coconut milk.   
  
" WILSON!!!!" Jack cried out.  
  
" Awww, relax " Elizabeth said, munching on some coconut meat, " WE're here to rescue you "  
  
" Horray! " Jack said, forgetting all about Wilson. It was his chance to get his ship back and see all his mates again.  
  
" Not! " Elizabeth said, shattering Jack's train of thought " We're just here to have some more fun with you "  
  
" Well, where's me ship? " Jack asked, since that was all he cared about.  
  
" Oh don't worry, your ship is fine " Elizabeth replied, " We gave it to Ana-Maria "  
  
" What! " Jack screamed, " No!!!! " Jack fell to his knees and sobbed.  
  
"Sheesh " Angie said, " What a crybaby "  
  
" Oh shut up " Jack grumbled.  
  
" Well, you've been marooned here twice already, so why doe it matter " Angie commented.  
  
" Don't remind me " Jack said through gritted teeth.  
  
" Cheer up " Elizabeth said, " They say three's a charmer "  
  
" Go away " Jack groaned. He then shouted to the sky, " Whatever did I do to deserve this! Well, besides the whole pirate thing anyway "  
  
" You consider this punishment? " Elizabeth asked.  
  
" What are ya talking about? Jack demanded.  
  
" Well, the way I see it " Elizabeth grinned, " Being trapped on a tropical paradise island full of unlimited tropical fruits and rum, along with the infamous Jack Sparrow, isn't really that much of a punishment "   
  
" Rum? What rum? " Jack asked.  
  
" Yeah, Elizabeth, remember, Elizabeth burned it all " Angie said, " Wow, that's confusing "  
  
" Oh yeah " Elizabeth groaned, " We'll just have to fix that "  
  
She snapped her fingers into the air. Jack and Angie both braced themselves for something to happen. To their nothing happened. They both stared at Elizabeth for an explanation.  
  
" Check out the trap door " Elizabeth grinned mischeviously, " I think you'll find something very interesting "  
  
Jack ran over and found the hollow coconut tree. He then took three large paces til he found the trap door. He flung the door open and ran inside. To his surprise and glee, there he found a whole mountain of...  
  
" Rum! " Jack squealed, " Look! Rum! Rum! Rum! "  
  
Jack ran out carrying an armload of rum bottles of various shapes and sizes. He handed a bottle to each of the girls, and then began drinking bottle #1.  
  
" What do you want us to do with this? " Elizabeth asked, holding the bottle like a radioactive carp.  
  
" Drink it! " Jack said, " This here is the finest drink in the Caribbean! "  
  
" I thought Cocktails were " Angie replied, " Virgin of course "  
  
Jack ignored Angie's comment and went straight to drinking bottle #2. Elizabeth and Angie stared at the rum for about two seconds, and then tossed their bottles away.


	4. Songs to Annoy

Author E's Notes: Wow, two chapters in two days! That's pretty good I think. I'm kinda disappointed that not many people review. Our story isn't that bad, is it? If it is, please tell us how to improve it, we're very open to suggestions. Oh...we fixed the songs now. Thanks for informing us Wormmon ABC.  
  
Author A's Notes: I agree with Elizabeth. Make suggestions. Well I hope all of you reviewers are enjoying the story so far!

* * *

_Jack ran out carrying an armload of rum bottles of various shapes and sizes. He handed a bottle to each of the girls, and then began drinking bottle #1.  
  
" What do you want us to do with this? " Elizabeth asked, holding the bottle like a radioactive carp.  
  
" Drink it! " Jack said, " This here is the finest drink in the Caribbean! "  
  
" I thought Cocktails were " Angie replied, " Virgin of course "  
  
Jack ignored Angie's comment and went straight to drinking bottle #2. Elizabeth and Angie stared at the rum for about two seconds, and then tossed their bottles away._  
  
THE NEXT MORNING  
  
" Oooo...what happened? " Jack groaned.  
  
He sat up from the sand that he had collasped on the night before. After drinking his 6th...no...7th....no...8th...oh...who knows bottle, Jack fell down on the beach unconsious.   
  
" Well, hello Jack " Angie said, " How was your night "  
  
" Oooo... major hangover " Jack mumbled.  
  
" You shouldn't have drank so much rum " Elizabeth said, " Now we're all out "  
  
" What! " Jack screeched, suddenly awake, " You mean there's no more rum! "  
  
" Yup " Angie said, " And it's your fault "  
  
" No it's not! " Jack whined.  
  
" Yeah it is " Angie replied.  
  
" No! "  
  
" Yes! "  
  
" No! "  
  
" Yes! "  
  
" No! "  
  
" Yes! "  
  
" No! "  
  
" Yes! "  
  
" No! "  
  
" Yes! "  
  
" ENOUGH!!!!! " Elizabeth shouted, drowning out Jack and Angie. The two stopped their arguing and stared at her.  
  
" We'll just wait for a ship to pass by and pick us up, ok? " Elizabeth said, anger fuming in her voice.  
  
" Ok " Jack and Angie said in unison. They both knew it was dangerous to contradict Elizabeth right about then.  
  
The trio sat down on the beach, facing the ocean. They all knew that eventually a ship would come, whether they would have to wait hours, days, weeks, even months. They were ready.  
  
5 SECONDS LATER  
  
" I'm bored " Angie grumbled.  
  
" Well, find some way to entertain yerself " Jack replied.  
  
" Ok " Angie said.  
  
" This is the song that never ends " Angie started singing.  
  
" It goes on and on my friends " Elizabeth joined in, feeling bored herself.  
  
" Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was " They sang together.  
  
2 HOURS LATER  
  
" Forever just because " The two sang for the hundredth time, " This is the song that never ends..."  
  
" ENOUGH!!" Jack screamed, " Stop singing that song! "  
  
" Ok " Angie grinned.  
  
" 99 bottles of rum on the wall, 99 bottles of rum " Angie started singing.  
  
" You take on down, pass it around " Elizabeth sang along.  
  
" 98 bottles of rum on the wall " The two sang in unison.  
  
2 MORE HOURS LATER  
  
" 7 bottles of rum on the wall, 7 bottles of rum " The two sang on, " You take one down, pass it around..."  
  
" Stop it! " Jack screamed, " You're making me thirsty "  
  
" Ok " Angie said   
  
" Jingle BELLS!!!!! " She sang.  
  
" Jack Sparrow smells " Elizabeth joined in.  
  
" Willaim layed an egg! " They sang together, " The Black Pearl here, lost its keel and Barbossa got AWAY!!!!!!! "   
  
" ARRRGGGHH!!! " Jack screeched, " Stop singing! "  
  
" Fine " Angie grumbled, " I'm thirsty anyway "  
  
She snapped her fingers and a bottle of water popped in mid-air. Jack stared wide eyed as she sat and drank.  
  
" Hey wait a sec! " Jack said, " Couldn't you just snap us off this bloody island "  
  
" Of course we could " Elizabeth said nonchalently.  
  
" Duh " Angie added.  
  
" Well then, why didn't you say something? " Jack demanded.  
  
" We were having too much fun " Elizabeth grinned.  
  
" ARRRRGGGHHH!!!" Jack screeched. He fell to the floor crying like a lunatic. Angie and Elizabeth inched away from him.  
  
" Look, calm down " Elizabeth poked at his shoulder, " Since we're such nice people, we'll let you pick where we go next "  
  
" We will? " Angie asked.  
  
" Shush " Elizabeth jabbed Angie in the gut with her elbow.  
  
" Anywhere? " Jack asked, no longer upset, " How about away from you? "  
  
" Well..." Elizabeth said, " Almost anywhere "  
  
" Hmph " Jack pouted.  
  
" How about we go find my man? " Angie asked.  
  
" Later " Elizabeth whispered.   
  
" Ok, how about Tortuga? " Jack asked.  
  
" Alright " Elizabeth said, " Tortuga it is "  
  
The two snapped their fingers and in a flash of white light, Angie, Elizabeth and Jack Sparrow were gone. 


	5. It's Karaoke Time

Author A's Notes: Hi!!! Sorry we haven't updated in a while. I was on a trip to California for about a month. Okay well, well I hope you enjoy this chapter, REVIEW!  
  
Author E's Notes: Like Angie said, sorry we weren't updating. We should be getting back on track now. Oh, and sorry if this chapter is..different..from our other chapters. After a month, our thought vibes sorta scrambled. Anyway, hope you enjoy it anyway. Now, on with the show...

* * *

In a dark alley on the island of Tortuga, there lay the occasional drunkerd, and seeminly nothing more of interest. But suddenly the darkness was lightened by a white glow. The glow emerged into a bright light, and three figures slowly stepped out of the light, nothing but shadows against the white light.   
  
" Tortuga! " Jack exclaimed and his eyes grew watery " I'm home! "  
  
He fell to the floor and kissed the slimy, cold ground, much to the disgust of Elizabeth and Angie. Elizabeth quickly snapped her fingers, and Jack magically stopped kissing the ground. Jack noticed this, and turned around to yell at them when...   
  
" What are you wearing? " Jack stared at the girls awkwardly.  
  
Jack had noticed that the two girls had changed their clothes when they snapped themselves to Tortuga. Elizabeth was wearing the same captain's outfit she had worn earlier. Angie wore a bright, hot, tight, glittery pink dress, with shorts under it.   
  
" Well, when in Rome " Elizabeth said.  
  
" Yeah " Angie shook her fist, " Wanna make something out of it! "  
  
" No, no " Jack said quickly, " I'm good "  
  
Both girls roll their eyes and turned to look at the town. A full moon hung over the sky, bringing enough light for the trio. Everywhere sprawled drunken men, and whores pranced around the town, half naked.   
  
" Wow! Tortuga " Elizabeth said absentmindly, " You know Tortuga means turtle in spanish "  
  
" Well I guess the person who named the island wanted to make it a nice, slow moving town " Angie said.  
  
" Boy, did it turn out wrong " Elizabeth said, watching a horse drawn wagon go by at top speed, with someone dangling behind it on a peice of rope. There was signs the man once struggled, but now he was still. The trio each lowered their heads for a moment of silence  
  
" Well, enough of that " Angie said cheerfully, " I say we go to a pub "   
  
" Sounds good to me " Elizabeth replied, the moment of silence now broken.  
  
" Great " Jack said. He hoped he'd be able to get drunk, very drunk.  
  
" Then we can do Karaoke " Angie said.  
  
" Oooh..yeah! " Elizabeth replied.  
  
AT THE PUB  
  
In a pub called the Red Dragon, the trio sat at a table in the back, so as not to aruse too much attention. Surrounding them was the odor of rum, and something else that smelled kind of like dead fishes. Elizabeth and Angie were watching the empty stage and eagerly waiting for he karaoke to come. Jack was signalling a waitress over. One saw him and came over to the table. She wore too much make-up that made her look like a clown, her dress had way too low a cleavage, she had obviously dyed red hair, and she stank of rum and perfume.   
  
" What'll be ya pleasure, luvs? " She asked cheerfully, " Oh! Cap'n Sparrow! Rum fo you I'd 'magine? " She asked, recognizing him.  
  
Jack nodded a yes, and then turned his gaze to the girls, waiting for them to order.  
  
" When does the Karaoke start? " Angie asked impatiently.  
  
" Ka-r-ee-o-ky? " The waitress asked, confused.  
  
" It's when you sing on the stage " Angie answered.  
  
" Oh, ya can jus' make on o'er to da backstage, an' the 'nouncer will present ya to de crowd " The waitress replied.   
  
Before the waitress even had a chance to finish her sentance, Angie grabbed Elizabeth by the arm and ran backstage. Jack watched them disappear with a smile on his face.  
  
" At last " He said to nobody in particular, " I've finally rid meself of those loony lasses "  
  
Jack's rambling was interrupting by a drum roll coming from the stage. He looked over at that general direction and saw an announcer being lit up by a crude spotlight. All over the bar, other people turned and stared at the announcer.  
  
" Ladies and Drunken men " He called out for all to hear, " We present to you, fo' your entertainment, the singing talents of... Elizebeth and Angie! "   
  
Jack watched wide-eyes as the two girls made their way to the center of the stage. The crowd roared at the two authoresses, mostly Angie and her pink dress. A couple of drunkards tried to make a grab for her but they were quickly quieted down and led away by bouncers. The two girls each gave an elaborate bow and signalled for the crowd to quiet down. Jack had a bad feeling about this, and he sunk into his seat.  
  
MEANWHILE ON THE STAGE  
  
The two girls each gave an elaborate bow and signalled for the crowd to quiet down. Both stood straight up, smiling at the crowd.   
  
" What do we sing? " Elizabeth whispered at Angie.   
  
Angie looked over at Elizabeth and grinned widely. At first Elizabeth arched her eyebrown in confusion,but then her eyes went as wide as dinner plates.  
  
" Oh no " She hissed, " Not that song! "  
  
But it was too late. The band already started playing, and the spotlight shone onto the two girls. Elizabeth quickly put on a showmen's face, disguising her look of horror and dread. Angie simply smiled at the crowd.  
  
" Tonight, I am going to sing a very special song " She said loudly to the crowd with a grin, " It's called, 'I'm The Only Gay Eskimo' "  
  
" Oh god " Elizabeth groaned under her breath.  
  
" I'm the only gay eskimo " Angie started singing loudly.  
  
" I'm the only one I know " Elizabeth sighed and joined in.  
  
" I'm the only gay eskimo " They sang together, " In my tribe "   
  
Jack stared at the two girls. He had absolutely no idea what those girls were singing about. It sounded something like a story about a happy eskimo, whatever an eskimo was. But judging by the grin on Angie's face, he guessed it wasn't good. Jack got up and started to leave, but Elizabeth saw him in the corner of her eye. Eager to take out her embarresment and horror on something, she snapped her fingers, seeminly to the beat. Jack heard the familar sound and turned around. To his horror he saw that he was handcuffed to his table. With a huge groan he sat back down, cursing the all powerful authoresses under his breath.  
  
'I go out seal hunting with my best friend Tarka (Angie dances on the stage like a diva)  
  
But all I wanna do is get into his parka (Elizabeth starts to turn red)   
  
I'm the only gay eskimo  
  
In my tribe   
  
Well...me an nut fluck chuck buck, we both like blubber (Elizabeth regains her composure)  
  
But me I've got this crazy fetish for rubber (Elizabeth blushes even redder)  
  
I'm the only gay eskimo (Angie grins at the crowd, enjoying every minute of it)  
  
In my tribe  
  
I make a wish on the northern lights (Angie shouts to the sky)  
  
That I could get a decent pair of whale skin tights (Elizabeth turns beet red)  
  
I'm the only gay eskimo (Angie giggles at Elizabeth's embaressment)  
  
In my tribe  
  
And the seals they sing now (Angie makes seal noises)  
  
These cold winter nights are taking their toll (Elizabeth quickly puts on a professional look)  
  
I even get excited when I see the north pole (Elizabeth loses her professional look)  
  
See the north pole (Elizabeth echoes)   
  
I'm the only gay eskimo (Angie actually thinks she's Britany Spears)  
  
I'm the only one I know (Elizabeth sighs in relief and begans to enjoy the last of the song)  
  
I'm the only gay eskimo (Elizabeth acts like a diva too, now actually enjoying herself)  
  
In my tribe' (Angie and Elizabeth finish)   
  
The crowd stared at the two girls, silent as the grave. Crickets in the corners chirped, and one of the pirates coughed. Other than that, there was no sound. Angie grumbled, and then she snapped her fingers. The next thing Elizabeth knew, the crowd roared with applause. Angie grinned and Elizabeth tried to manage a weak smile. Both girls gave a bow and then exited the stage.   
  
" That was fun " Angie said.  
  
" I can't believe you sang that song! Of all songs! " Elizabeth snapped at her friend.  
  
" What? It was funny " Angie protested, " It's not like they knew what we were talking about anyway "  
  
" Yeah, well 'It's Hot In Here' would have been funny too, and I didn't hear you singing that " Elizabeth grumbled.  
  
" Oh yeah sure " Angie replied, " I could see that band playing rap "  
  
Both girls turned and stared at the band. One played a broken banjo, and he had a hook on. The second had an accordian, and a decaying parrot on his shoulder. The third had some kind of flute, and was missing 90% of his teeth.  
  
" Good point " Elizabeth admitted, " Come on, we'd better go, The Jack's running "  
  
" No he's not " Angie said, " I saw you handcuff him to the table "  
  
" Well, he will be running if we don't hurry up " Elizabeth broke into a trot and hurried to their table, with Angie trailing behind. 


	6. Attack Of The Gorilla Man

Author A's Notes: HI! Weeeee're back! Well I'm so sorry we haven't updated in two weeks but, I'm sure you'll enjoy this chapter.  
  
Author E's Notes: Well here we go, another update fresh off the printer. We're sitting here incredibly bored so I hope you'll review and make our day!

* * *

" What's this thing made of anyway, diamonds " Jack grumbled as he whacked a bottle of rum against the handcuffs that held him to the table.  
  
" Oh Jaaack! " Elizabeth shouted from the other end of the room.  
  
" We're baaack! " Angie shouted as well.  
  
" Oh bloody hell! " Jack panicked. He hit the bottle even faster, desperate to get away while he had the chance. Unfortunately, it was all at no avail.  
  
" Hi Jack " Elizabeth said cheerfully, " Wanna get something to eat? "  
  
" I'd rather feast on yer forever still decaying carcuss " Jack said coldly.  
  
" Now, now Jack. Behave yourself " Angie said, oblivious to Jack deathly glare.  
  
" Yeah, lighten up " Elizabeth said, also oblivious to Jack's said glare.  
  
" Yeah, you have nothing to whine about " Angie added, " Except the fact that your ship's gone "  
  
" Don't you talk about me pride and joy that way " Jack snapped.  
  
" Oh I'm sorry " Angie said sarcastically, " I wouldn't talk about Elizabeth that way "  
  
" What!? " Jack raised his voice in surprise.  
  
" Hey!? " Elizabeth crossed her arms bitterly.  
  
" I meant the other Elizabeth " Angie replied, " The bird one "  
  
" You know, I never noticed before " Elizabeth said, " But both Jack and Elizabeth's last name are birds "  
  
" Oh, I never noticed that either " Angie responded, " I guess that means they were meant to be "  
  
Jack or Elizabeth never had a chance to reply, because suddenly a huge, Neanderthal type man approached Angie from behind. Elizabeth and Jack gapped at his enormous size.  
  
" What's wrong? " Angie asked.  
  
Elizabeth managed to hold up a finger and point. Angie slowly turned around, and gazed up at the gorilla man. She nearly fainted from the overpowering smell of alcohol. Angie barely managed to hold back a scream.  
  
" My gorilla-man " Angie said, her defense mechanism now kicking in, " What long legs you have "  
  
" Whadcha call me? " The gorilla man slurred, obviously drunk.  
  
" I called you a growing man " Angie calmly replied.  
  
" Here's a couple of silver peices " The man held out two coins, " What do you say we head on over to the bedroom "  
  
" How dare you impune our honor " Elizabeth said in a perfect British accent, " Mistaking us for lowly whores " She spat out the last word.  
  
" Speak it girl! " Angie replied, " Speak it! "  
  
" I'll double it " The man held up three fingers.  
  
" First of all " Angie said in the tone of voice of one who will not be argued with, " You're an idiot. Second of all, you're stupid. And third of all, we said no. And fourth of all, does two doubled equal three? "  
  
" I want you " The man smacked his fist against the palm of his hand.  
  
" Well, I really don't want you " Angie replied, now thoroughly disgusted.  
  
" I said, I want you " The man grabbed Angie by her shoulders and starting dragging her away. Angie struggled against his iron grip, but he had an iron grip.  
  
" Why did I have to wear this dress? " Angie couldn't help but comment as she struggled.  
  
" Hey! You'd better let go of my friend " Elizabeth demanded.  
  
" Or what? " The man turned and stood high above Elizabeth, leaving her in shadow.  
  
" Or I'll sic Jack on you " Elizabeth said bravely and pointed at Jack, still handcuffed to the table.  
  
" Don't you bloody wenches get me involved in this " Jack said as he stared at the huge size of the gorilla man.  
  
" Look Jack " Angie said, " Either you do it and die, or we'll kill you "  
  
" You wouldn't kill me " Jack puffed out in pride, " I'm Captain Jack Sparrow "  
  
" Oh yeah we would " Elizabeth snuck up behind Jack and snapped her fingers twice. The handcuffs instantly disappeared, and The Boot appeared on her foot (a.k.a. her dad's golfing shoes) Before Jack could react, Elizabeth kicked him in the behind with The Boot. Jack landed headfirst into gorilla man's stomach. In surprise, the gorilla man loosened his grip on Angie, and she managed to slip away from the two 'gentlemen'.  
  
" Whores and Buccaneers " Elizabeth shouted through a megaphone that suddenly appeared, " We present to you, for your entertainment purposes, CJS Kick-Butt-athon! " Angie snapped her fingers and the roar of a nonexistant crowd was heard.  
  
" In your left corner " Angie shouted through the megaphone, " Is Jack The Sparrow! The first I think "  
  
" And in this corner " Elizabeth shouted through another megaphone she snapped up " Is, weighing at 1,653 pounds, I think , Bob The Gorilla-Man! "  
  
" The heaviest man in the world " Angie added.  
  
" On your marks! " The two said in unision, " Get set! Go kick-butt! "  
  
Another roar of the crowd was heard, followed by a ding of the nonexistent bell. Gorilla-man stared around stupidly, but when he realized that he was supposed to fight, he eagerly hopped into battle. Gorilla-man grinned viciously, and stalked over to the cowering Jack. Jack backed himself into one of the pillars, wimpering. Gorilla-man curled his knuckles into a fist, pulled his arm back, and then...  
  
" Angela The Pink here, with Elizabeth Falcon here " Angie said in an announcer-ish voice  
  
Angie and Elizabeth were seated on two chairs, floating about five feet off the ground. In front of them was a floating card table, with blank paper in front of each of them, and two microphones. On the table were two sodas and two fresh hotdogs.  
  
" Here we begin with Gorilla-Man smashing his fist in Jack Sparrow's face!" yells Angie into the Microphone, " Oh! That had to hurt!"  
  
" Now there's Jack falling onto the ground " Elizabeth says throught the mike, " And, oh my! Is that a tear I see? Is Jack The Sparrow crying! Wow, he is! What a historic moment! "  
  
" Aww! Poor Baby!" says Angie into the microphone, "Oh, now GM, is picking Jack up! What is he gonna do!?"  
  
" I don't know Angie the Pink " Elizabeth said to her comrade, " Let's find out "  
  
She snapped her fingers, and the card table and chair disappeared. They were instantly replaced by two comfy theatre style seats, complete with soda and popcorn.  
  
" Hey! What happened to my hotdog?! " Angie said.  
  
" Oops " Elizabeth replied sheepishly. She snapped her fingers again and both of their hotdogs appeared back in their hands.  
  
" Oh my gosh! GM just threw Jack onto a poker table " Angie shouted, happy that her hotdog was back.  
  
" Hey! " A voice from the now broken poker table snapped, " I had a winning hand there! "  
  
Instantly dozens of swords were pulled out of their holsters, aiming at Jack. Quickly Jack pulled his own sword out, but it was obvious he was frightened. He had never fought a whole bar before.  
  
" Jack's gonna get his butt kicked, Jack's gonna get his butt kicked " Angie sang.  
  
An unamed drunkard ran forward, waving his sword in front of him. Instantly Jack blocked his attack, and sent his sword flying, barely missing the bartender's head. In a flash, every other drunkard, pirate, idiot born on this earth etc. ran at Jack, swords ready. Jack met them, and with the speed of sound, he plunged his blade into the heart of the nearest opponent. His sword now bloody, he turned ballerina style and attacked his next victim.  
  
" All right " Elizabeth said excitably, " This is gonna be good! " 


	7. Things Get Pretty Boring

Author A's Notes: Sup Dawgs! We're back and we brought a new chapter with us. I know it's been almost a year, but we hope you will still enjoy this new Chapter.

Author E's Notes; ON MY GOD I'M SOOOO SORRY WE TOOK SO LONG! We got distracted by other things and then school and then…anyway, you get the idea. On with the fic:

* * *

_An unnamed drunkard ran forward, waving his sword in front of him. Instantly Jack blocked his attack, and sent his sword flying, barely missing the bartender's head. In a flash, every other drunkard, pirate, idiot born on this earth etc. ran at Jack, swords ready. Jack met them, and with the speed of sound, he plunged his blade into the heart of the nearest opponent. His sword now bloody, he turned ballerina style and attacked his next victim._

_" All right " Elizabeth said excitably, " This is gonna be good! "_

2 Hours Later

"This is so boring" Elizabeth groaned.

"This is worse than watching Dr. Phil" Angie moaned.

The two girls were still on the comfy theatre-style seats, though they weren't as comfortable. Popcorn was strewn about on the floor five feet below them. An empty popcorn container was on top of Angie's head like a hat. The two empty soda cups were stuck inside her shirt Madonna style. And the worst part wad she was still wearing that same pink dress. Drool was on her shirt and the two halves of her hotdog bun were stuck up her teeth like a sabertooth tiger. Elizabeth was slouching on her chair, hair in her face, and looking very much like she didn't want to be here. Jack and the rest of the entire stinking bar (literally stinking) were still going at it. Amazingly Jack hadn't been killed, yet. And while the fight was entertaining to watch, after the first 45 minutes it got boring.

"You think maybe we should break them up, or blow the world up. Or something" Elizabeth suggested to Angie.

"The All Great and Powerful Hamster Master shall entertain you" Angie replied, with a slight lisp, sounding like she was drunk.

"Uh…you feeling ok?" Elizabeth questioned.

"I am great. But first the Hamster Master requires a sugary sacrifice. Sunflower shaped cookies to be exact."

"Quick, someone get help! Angie has overdosed on extreme piraty violence!" Elizabeth shouted, although no one heard her over the roar of the fight. Thinking quickly she leapt over and grab Angie by the shirt. She shook her wildly and started repeatedly slapping her face, "You idiot! Watching 2 hours of pointless violence like that! You haven't been trained for it! Like me! I do live with two younger brothers after all!"

But she didn't slap out of it. All the repeated slappings knocked Angie out cold. She slumped forward on the stair and started snoring.

"Oh great!" Elizabeth groaned, "Now I'll have to deal with extreme boredom by myself! Good thing I trained for it." She leaned against her seat and proceeded to put her training into good use.

2 More Hours Later

The fight was _still_ going on. Jack apparently had a supernatural gift of luck, for he _still _wasn't dead. Elizabeth was still bored stiff, and Angie was still out of commission, thanks to Elizabeth. But suddenly she started stirring, and finally sat up. Elizabeth, eager for something interesting to look at, turned.

"You out of it?" Elizabeth asked her.

"Fo shizzle my fizzle." She replied in a pimp accent.

"Huh…"Elizabeth arched an eyebrow at Angie.

Angie snapped her fingers and the pink dress she was wearing was replaced by a pink tall tee, baggy jeans that hung to her knees, Micheal Jordan's (untied), a HUGE gold dollar shaped medallion with diamond studs, a headband, and dark glasses. So dark that she could barely see anything.

"Angie what the HECK!" Elizabeth shrieked.

"Sup dawg" Angie replied, "What cha doin dressing like some white girl. Gotta pimp ya up"

"No way!" Elizabeth snapped.

"Whassamatta fool, you scared?" Angie taunted.

"Yes!" Elizabeth replied.

"Why not fool?" Angie said.

"Those medallions are _heavy_!" Elizabeth responded.

"What fool, you 'fraid you break ya neck?" Angie demanded.

"….Yes!" Elizabeth retorted as if it made perfect sense.

Angie was about to say something sarcastic and pimpish, when she realized there was a fight going on right in front of her, "Awright dawg, a fight. Let me at 'em"

"Oh no you don't!" Elizabeth tried to stop her but she couldn't stop her. However, Angie's medallion could. It was so heavy she couldn't move.

"Dang it man! Too much bling bling"

Elizabeth groaned, "That's it we're getting outta here. Jack!" She snapped her fingers and Jack appeared right in front of them. He was a bit disheveled, his hat was missing, and he had three black eyes. How he had three black eyes when he only had two eyes the girl could neither figure out nor care.

"C'mon Jack, we're going to Will's. Hopefully his godly hotness (in her mind anyway) will snap her out of it." Elizabeth snapped her fingers to go to Will's house. But just as she snapped her fingers, two random pirates hit both Elizabeth and Angie, knocking them out just as they disappeared.


End file.
